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Olympic Bombshell - LITERALLY!! Feb. 18th, 2010 @ 06:44 pm
prolixfootle
Secret Olympic Identity revealed!!
Disassociated Press
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
02/18/10
A recent spate of queries to Snopes and other agencies indicate that many people are mistakenly confusing Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn White
Shaun White

with aging Comedian Carrot Top, aka Scott Thompson.
Carrot Top

After exhaustive non-research and intensely fictive in-depth investigative reporting, The Ministry of Disinformation can guarantee that this is, in fact, completely erroneous. And even incorrect.

Undercover reporter Tara Diddle has been behinds the scenes at the Olympic Stadium locker rooms in Vancouver and has discovered the amazing truth. After an eyewitness encounter with the disrobed Gold-Medalist, Tara can confirm that, in an amazing feat of drag impersonation, Shawn White is in fact fifty-nine year-old comedienne and TV Guide’s Hot Body of 2009 Kathy Griffin.

Kathy GriffinShaun White

Although it is unclear what impact this revelation will have on the retention of the medals under Olympic rules and regulation, Ms. Griffin/Mr. White seems untroubled, trumpeting “I’ve got Emmys too! I can hang these things around Emmy and Emily’s (that’s what I call them) necks! It will be BEAUTIFUL and so tasteful!!”

When asked why she perpetrated this amazing ruse, Ms. Griffin/Mr. White replied, “Well, no one else can claim to have both Emmys and Olympic Gold Medals. I would have been satisfied with a Grammy, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, first Carlin and then Colbert cheat me out of the f**king statue…! So I went for alternate gold! AND GOT IT!! I know that God said not to worship anything but him or some sh*t, but hey, these are no false Idols – they’re the real thing!! ”

The Olympic Committee could not be reached for comment. We will update this breaking story as revelations warrant.
Current Mood: shockedficative

May. 24th, 2005 @ 11:42 am
baronmind
VIRGIN MARY APPEARS IN PAINT-BY-NUMBER

The image that some say resembles the Virgin Mary
PODUNKVILLE, TUESDAY -- A local man claims to have received a sign from God himself yesterday. Joe Anderson, 42, was sitting quietly alone, filling in a paint-by-number kit, when suddenly an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in his painting.

"Well, as soon as I saw that, I just dropped the brush and jumped back," said Anderson. "See, you can see the peach mark on my pants right here. That's the color it says to use for the spaces marked with a 1. I never expected anything like this when I started, though. I'm no great artist, I'm just a normal guy."

Although hundreds have flocked to Anderson's house, climbing onto each others' shoulders to peer in his windows in hopes of seeing the painting, there are still skeptics. Many claim they do not see the resemblance to the Virgin Mary, or say that humans often see patterns where none exist. Still others question why Anderson started with the number 6 color, rather than moving in a more logical progression. The believers, though, point out that without the background filled in, the pale blobs would have nothing to define them; they cite his unusual starting point as another example of the divine inspiration.

When asked about his future plans, Anderson said, "I don't plan to do any more painting, that's for sure. This was supposed to be relaxing, but the whole thing's been very nerve-wracking. I have some people treating me like I'm holy, trying to touch my clothes and have me bless their babies -- and others who call me up at night and threaten my life. I almost painted over the whole thing with number 5 -- that's black -- the other night, but then I felt a force stop me. That was the scariest of all, knowing that I wasn't in control of my own body. Maybe I'll donate it to a museum. I just want it out of here now."


[Verified and approved for public dissemination by Baron Mind, Factor Primus of the Department of Tomfoolery & General Hijinks]

Apr. 13th, 2005 @ 01:10 pm
baronmind
GAYS UNVEIL NEW WEAPON IN FIGHT FOR MARITAL RIGHTS

OFF-WHITE HOUSE, WEDNESDAY -- President Bush gave a televised speech today to discuss the latest intelligence indicating that gays have developed a new technique to aid them in their fight to be legally allowed to get married.

"My fellow Americans," the president began, looking grave, "we are all aware that marriage is a sacred tradition, holy and unalterable. Like most old traditions, it has, over time, grown its own subtraditions, equally unalterable. It is in one of these subtraditions that the gays have found a loophole which they are even now exploiting in an attempt to get some equal rights.

"As I'm sure you are all aware, tradition states that whomever catches the bouquet thrown by the bride will be the next to get married. But what happens if the person who catches the bouquet is not legally allowed to get married? I'll tell you: the societal equivalent of a filibuster, that's what.

"We have noticed a disturbing trend lately in bouquets being caught by gays, with a frequency far too great to be mere coincidence. Every non-married person at these weddings is doomed to a life of bachelor- or spinster-hood, thanks to these fiends who care only that they be treated like the rest of society. They intend to blackmail America into allowing them to get married, by ensuring that -- by the inviolable tradition of the bouquet toss -- they are next in line.

"Our hands are tied regarding this; the bouquet toss is a long-standing tradition, and no finely-worded Constitutional amendment can circumvent what it states. Believe me, we've had lawyers poring over this. Nor can we recommend that the toss be stopped, for to do so would show that marriage can and often is altered, which is exactly what the gays want pointed out.

"It is already too late for those who were at the weddings where the bouquet was caught by a homosexual. My heart goes out to them and their families; unable to wed, their family name will soon die out. The people of America must not allow this tragedy to continue. You must ensure that only red-blooded heterosexuals catch the bouquets!

"This will not always be easy. The gays are masters of disguise, and can look just like you or me. Watch for tell-tale signs. Does one of the girls in the line-up seem to be sneaking glances at the other girls? Are some of the men sitting too close to the group of single women? These may be gays, just waiting for their chance to snatch the bouquet from the air.

"They are intelligent, strong, and fast, but they are not unbeatable! You may not be able to handle one on your own, but there is strength in numbers. Block them out! Remember, even if you yourself miss the bouquet, as long as it is caught by a heterosexual, you will have another chance. Sometimes, you must sacrifice the good of the few for the good of the many.

"Be on your guard, America."


[Verified and approved for public dissemination by Baron Mind, Factor Primus of the Department of Tomfoolery & General Hijinks]

Apr. 1st, 2005 @ 11:30 am
baronmind
WEATHERMEN FOUND TO BE ACCURATE AFTER ALL
However, God watches the Weather Channel

FRIDAY -- In a story sure to shock the world, God has revealed today that weather forecasters' predictions about the weather are generally correct.

"There's nothing wrong with the detection equipment," God said, chuckling. "I just like to screw with 'em. There's just something about sending clear skies when they're calling for flash floods that gets me every time."

Weather forecasters, predictably, were angered by this news.

"He's an omnipotent being, and all He can do to keep Himself amused is make my life miserable?" demanded one weatherman, who asked not to be named for fear of divine retribution. "You know how many calls I get a week saying, 'There's a 90% chance you're an idiot'? Even my family gets in on it. I took a day off for a picnic with the wife and kids three years ago, and it rained. I'm STILL hearing about that one! Shouldn't He be, I don't know, solving world hunger or something?"

When posed this query, God merely responded, "I predict a 100% chance of a strange, localized lightning storm in the neighborhood of a certain 'unnamed forecaster.' Family and friends, you might want to stand back a bit."

[Verified and approved for public dissemination by Baron Mind, Factor Primus of the Department of Tomfoolery & General Hijinks]

Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 03:44 pm
prolixfootle
OHIOANS TO ADOPT UNIFORM CODE OF APPEARANCE FOR MINORS

Conneaut Urban Standard and Sentinel
Tuesday, March 1, 2005


In light of a flurry of court cases involving alleged inequities in the enforcement of school dress codes, the Ohio Legislature moved to codify the standards of dress in all public primary and secondary educational institutions. The House Bill, known as Scholastic Homogenization 1, revision T is sponsored by Congressman Fass Histpig (R – Puerile County) would create a mandatory appearance code for all students attending public facilities. In part, the bill reads:

“All students will maintain a hairstyle of a medium (non-gender specific) length, without alteration of natural color or state; all students will be free of artificial adornment including cosmetics. body art and jewelry; all students will adopt a state-approved wardrobe of dark trousers, white shirt/blouse and loafers, with state approved gym attire of grey shorts and athletic shirt and shoes of an appropriate nature allowed during periods of physical education; all students will be within fifteen percent of their nominal BMI as indicated by the American Medical Association.”

Proponents of the bill say it will eliminate any ambiguities in the enforcement of scholastic dress codes and free educators from the rigors of being ‘fashion police’, allowing more focus on the educational system and the teaching of ‘the fundamentals like reading, writing and creationism’.

Opponents who attempted to stand on the First Amendment rights and other ‘guaranteed’ personal freedoms were attacked and chased through the streets of Conneaut by god-fearing rural townsfolk wielding pitchforks and torches.

The bill, which has already passed the House and is being considered by the Senate, is being heralded as a landmark return to the basics of education. Sources indicate that Anna Tzi, Director of the President’s Council on Social Conformity and Benjamin “Moose” O’Leeny of the American Anti-Solecism League are said to watching the progress of Bill SH 1-T with interest.
Current Mood: annoyedinformative

Dec. 15th, 2004 @ 09:47 am
prolixfootle
OHIOANS CONSIDERING SECESSION; CANADA VOICES WILLINGNESS TO ANNEX

Rooters Wednesday, December 15, 2004 09:10:00

Tara Diddle reporting



I recent Gallop pole of 2.5 million Ohioans revealed some surprising results. When questioned about their satisfaction with current US policies (including taxation, foreign policy and the Gay Marriage Amendment) Ohioans posted a nearly unanimous (86.7%) dissatisfaction rating. So universal is the dissatisfaction that talk of secession is commonplace from Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati to the Statehouse in Columbus to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.

The Legislative Initiative for Abrogation of Regional Statehood, who sponsored the poll, released a statement indicating their lack of surprise at the results. “We have long been aware of the dissatisfaction Ohio residents have with the current administration,” read the statement issued by Fubsy Yammer, a representative for the Initiative. “After the scandalous results of the last election, we realized that things would reach critical mass very quickly.”

The statement continues: “We have been reviewing options for quite some time, and while becoming an independent nation has its benefits, the ideal solution would be an annexation by Canada. Their policies are very much in line with those that Ohioans strive for, we wouldn’t have to emigrate, and it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch – just straight down through Lake Erie.”

The astonishing results obviously caught Canadian officials by surprise, but they were quick to recover. Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau issued a statement thanking Ohioans for their interest. “We don’t want to tell the hosers to take off just yet,” he said in a brief televised statement. “We’ll look into it. Do they still have a hockey team? It could be fun. Good day, eh.”

Encouraged by this warm reception, the Legislative Initiative for Abrogation of Regional Statehood is working to organize a special election on secession as soon as possible. If the revocation of statehood issue passes, Ohio would be the first state to secede since North Carolina seceded on May 20, 1861 as part of the American Civil War.

Exchange Rate Nov. 12th, 2004 @ 02:32 pm
baronmind
Despite widespread reports of an across-the-board decline for the U.S. dollar, top Bush market analysts are quick to point out that not everything is as grim as it might appear.

"Certainly, the greenback is trading poorly against the British pound and the yen. And the Swiss franc. And the Australian dollar. And it's still flirting with all-time lows against the Euro. But there's -- oh, and it's absolutely tanked against the Candian dollar, too. $1.19 Canadian buys $1 US, yes. But look, that's not my point. There are currencies against which the U.S. dollar is doing as well as ever. For example, see this chart:


"As you can see, the U.S. dollar is holding steady against the U.S. quarter at a trading rate of 4 to 1. That's right, one dollar buys four quarters! What's more, we've been holding steady at this exchange rate for far more than the two years depicted in this graph; it hasn't slipped one red cent during Bush's entire administration! You'll see similar levels of performance against the half-dollar, the dime, the penny and the nickel.

"So the next time you hear a nay-sayer moaning about how the dollar is losing ground fast against every major currency, well! I think you know what to say to those crybabies."

Jul. 30th, 2004 @ 05:58 pm
classytart
This just in from HM Department of Vague paranoia

Preparing for Emergencies

Fort Yields Grisly Secrets (http://www.livejournal.com/users/baronmind/158630.html) May. 21st, 2004 @ 12:52 pm
prolixfootle
Nearby residents tell of strange lights and sounds issuing from historical structure.

Roget’s News Agency Friday, May 21, 2004; 05:45:43

Richmond, VA

Rampaging hordes traveled ceaselessly through the night, intent on vanquishing their dreaded foe.

No, it wasn’t a Civil War reenactment that woke the sleepy suburb of Richmond in the early morning hours. It was a cadre of well armed policemen investigating an anonymous tip which stated that human remains had been disposed of at the historic site.

For several months, rumors have abounded that the famous Fort Marquise d’Espirit had been turned into a temple for the Cult of Cthulu. But it wasn’t until this morning’s dawn raid that the rumor was confirmed.

In a well-coordinated incursion, local and federal officers rounded up what they described as ‘the usual suspects’. Sources also intimated that a leading cult figure had been apprehended after a brief standoff involving ‘unusual weaponry’, although authorities would neither confirm nor deny that statement.

Also found in the fort-turned-evil-temple were numerous body parts, theorized to have belonged to the more enthusiastic cult members. A federal forensic team has gathered the remains and will utilize DNA evidence in an attempt to identify them.

Meanwhile, additional forensic teams are combing the fort, looking for additional evidence of the carnage feared to have taken place at the historic location.

End of the Easter Bunny Apr. 7th, 2004 @ 09:01 pm
prolixfootle

Associated Press

04/07/04</p>  </p>

In the face of President Bush’s plan for continued outsourcing of jobs it was announced today that the post of Easter Courier is being outsourced to Nepal.

 

In a move that is sure to throw the entire Easter holiday into chaos, the Easter Comission announced today that the function of Easter Bunny is being outsourced due mainly to budget constraints.

 

In a terse press release, the former Easter Bunny admitted that he had accepted a lucrative early retirement deal rather than face the humiliation of termination after so many years of service.  Sources close to the now retired Bunny quote him as saying, “I wasn’t given much of a choice.”

 

The Easter Commission, charged with maintaining the annual holiday and its attendant traditions, confirmed the outsourcing in another press conference later the same day.  They announced that a multi-year contract had been signed with the Nepalese government, and that the duties of the retired rabbit would be assumed by the new holiday mascot, the Easter Guar.

 

The announcement came just days before the scheduled holiday, sending Easter revelers into a panic searching for the elusive Hollow Chocolate Easter Guar.  The Easter Commission has apologized for the surprise notice, but said that the budget difficulties left them no choice.

 

In a related story, the Halloween Authority announced the outsourced-forced retirement of the Great Pumpkin, saying that celebrants can now look forward to a visit from the Halloween Jicama.
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